Craving

peanut butter on toast, toffee popcorn, and company.

I’ve spent pretty much the whole of today by myself. This always happens when deadlines and exams are looming, because obviously everyone, myself included, disappears into their own little bubble to study. And lately, with the last couple of essays I handed in and the project I’m working on now, I’ve been more isolated than ever. Consequently, I’ve come to realise just how much I don’t like my own company.

I used to prefer it. When I was little, my older brother generally wasn’t much fun to play with because there was no other game he and his friends enjoyed more than ‘let’s see how long it takes to make Steph cry’. My little brother, and little sister when she arrived, were too little to do the things I wanted to do, so when playing with the baby got boring and there were no friends available to play with, I spent a fair amount of time by myself. I liked making all the decisions about what the Barbies would wear today, what lessons I would teach to my ‘class’ of cuddly toys, and what adventures the tiny ponies/dogs/cats would get up to. And those were just the rainy days. If I went out on my bike, by myself I could go exactly where I wanted to go, and nobody could whine at me that it was too far or they didn’t want to (or weren’t allowed – screw allowed) to go over the hill, or they hated climbing trees or they were scared of the sheep/cows/horses. And I could find a nice place to stop and rest and just… be, for a while. And quiet.  (I liked to just watch, listen. Especially the clouds and the skylarks). And I could pretend to be people, things, characters from films or tv programmes, that everybody else always wanted to be and I (obviously) never got to be when there were more of us.

So yeah. As a kid, I liked having nobody around sometimes, because that meant nobody to hurt me, nobody to ruin the game, and nobody to make the decisions I secretly thought should have been mine to make. (I may have been smaller and quieter, but dammit I was smarter).

I suppose I still don’t want people around who are going to do those things. Only, now I mostly find it almost intolerable to be by myself for any length of time.

I guess I’m just gonna have to get used to it. It’s probably just another one of those silly little mindsets I need to ‘grow out of’.

(screw growing, too).

.

On a lighter note, the campus lake grebes have a nest,

(Not impressed by that piece of paper. Dirty student scum. *angry face*).

And…

Goose on a roof;

king of the bike-shed castle.  : )

merry weekendings to ya.

~xx~

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About Stephy

50% happy, 50% wildly uncertain. 94.7% bewildered, 78% raving mad, 4.5% awesome, 63% tea/coffee and cake. Wearing odd clothes, favouring odd points of view and Drifting Aimlessly since 1991. View all posts by Stephy

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