Today has been one of those days where everything just seems
that little bit way more difficult than it should be.
This happens often. The difficulty usually tends to take one of three forms;
a) Everything is scary.
ii) Everything is intensely irritating/frustrating.
3) Everything is hopeless/pointless/makes no sense.
Sometimes it’ll be a combination of two, or all three, of the above.
Today has been a shining example of option a).
I got out of bed nice and early, and proceeded to agonize, whilst brushing my teeth, over the various possible orders in which the day’s tasks could be completed and which would be the most sensible. Over breakfast, (why did I brush my teeth before breakfast? stupid) I settled on the following order; Town, Work on dissertation, Run, Dinner, (do this properly today, stupid) Library to return books, (with this part of the plan came panic about how I’d managed to bring the books home without actually checking them out, because that’s how badly my head was in the clouds at the time… stupid) More work on dissertation, Watch latest episode of Game of Thrones, Bed.
Step 1: Town.
Regrets about lack of effort put into appearance; getting funny looks. Could have put some makeup on, worn clothes that fit, straightened hair… stupid. Regrets about being there so early in the morning; felt distinctly uncomfortable being the only person in every shop. Felt more uncomfortable every time a shop assistant showed up beside me to ask if I was ok there. YesI’mFineThankyou(pleasejustleavemealone). Later; Regrets about being alone when entering Betty’s (posh) tea/cake shop. Confusion over queue position leading to immaculately dressed and made-up middle-aged lady insisting that I go before her. More Regrets about appearance. Regrets about blurting out the phrase ‘actually I just want a corgi biscuit’. Where are your manners? Prole Scum. Confidence further ruined for rest of day. Regrets about accidentally stepping into path of woman with pushchair. Acting so as to potentially cause harm to innocent small children? How could you? Dumbass. Regrets about not being a little more pleasant to the guy behind the till in the quirky gift shop, in response to his efforts to hold a conversation with me. (Bless his heart). Sullen, shy, stupid idiot. Regrets about not daring to go into any kind of food place alone. Got home real hungry; no nice food in cupboards. Stupid.
Step 2: Dissertation.
Regrets about not doing more work weeks ago. Months ago. Regrets about the fact that the next 2 weeks are going to be Hell as a result. Regrets about how the quality of the finished work will be less than what I’m capable of. Regrets about topic chosen. Regrets about personal ineptitude as interviewer. Regrets about choice of degree course. Regrets about A Level choices. Regrets about GCSE choices. Regrets about whole path education has taken since age 14. Fears about future. Regrets about not applying for any graduate jobs lately.
Step 3: Run.
Regrets about not buying shorts/jogging bottoms with pockets, thus not being able to run with music/having to run with music in hand. Regrets about filthy bruise which still remains on left knee. Regrets about buying logo’d t-shirt; can’t wear it, nobody else seems to ever wear one, probably look stupid. Regrets about not owning any ‘serious’ running kit like all the others wear. Do I even want to go with them anyway? Could just go by myself later… Could just not go at all. Omg what if Captain Creep is there? Regrets about shortness of shorts. (He wasn’t there. He also probably isn’t a creep really, the nickname is based on a friend’s judgement of him, based on one night out – but that kind of thing, you keep in mind. Is asking someone out for coffee when you’ve met them twice [at training sessions] creepy? Perhaps he was just being friendly. He is the distance captain after all). Anyway… Regrets mostly dissolved after running 4 miles and keeping pace with the other girls. Except for the one about not stretching off properly before and after.
Step 4: Dinner.
Regrets about how this barely happened.
Step 5: Library.
Regrets about not getting more work done due to being accompanied by housemates. Chat: Work ratio hideously off-balance.
Step 6: Dissertation (ii).
Regrets about how this didn’t happen either.
Step 7 can wait, I need my bed now.
As for smiles, well. Remember Sex on Fire ? Well that came up on shuffle whilst I was running. And that song reminds me of where I used to work before I came to uni (and in the Easter and Summer holidays in first and second year). Because sometimes I worked in the potwash, where it would be on the radio at least twice a day when it first came out. And whenever it was, everyone in potwash (most of them awesome people, by the way) would sing along. Particularly loudly to the line HEAD WHILE I’M DRIVIN’.
Because we were immature like that. (Good times, good times).
For illustration’s sake,
Tuesday love (from somewhere beyond fringe and frown)