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Silent Sunday 08/09/13

Silent Sunday 08/09/13

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Two Sides

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2012-08-20 16.27.26

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~xx~


Resolutions*

*I don’t seem to have had much success thus far in my attempts to be resolute, in life. So don’t expect any of this stuff to stick. But that in itself is a resolution for me; I need to try harder.

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1)  Spend more time applying for graduate jobs.

– I won’t lie; since it became a good idea for me to start doing this – about a year ago – I have applied for definitely no more than 5 such positions. My heart is very simply not in it. But then I don’t think that over the past year my heart has really been in much that I’ve done. I’m beginning to think I may be dead inside like all the emo kids were, back when emo kids were a thing.

Still, that is not a valid excuse; I need a career. Or at the very least I need a job that will allow me to afford to move out of my parents’ house and start living my own life properly, before I lose my mind/become irrevocably convinced that I have failed at life… and throw myself off a cliff. I need the next stage of my life to start; I need my next bunch of friends, my next not-quite-home, my next dose of terror and ignorance and challenge and sink-or-swim. The problem lies within my reluctance to make a giant leap for just about any graduate job; I want to be vaguely able to believe that I might be able to like the new life that that leap would represent for me. If not immediately (because the fear will ruin everything for the first couple of months, this I can be sure of) then at least after a reasonable amount of time.

2) Join a choir (or similar), and SING, ‘TIL MY LUNGS GIVE OUT.

– I always sang at school. And it was one of my favourite things, looking back, about that time. Singing duets and being one half of the Chamber Choir alto section made me feel… kinda special. (Good special). And I was good at it, too. I have the certificates to prove that. And then for some reason I lost that ability/lost all faith in any of my abilities. And then I never dared to sing in front of another living soul, and never really got the chance to sing to myself in the absence of other living souls, and so currently have no idea how well I could sing if I tried – really, properly tried – right now.

In the new year I will find at least one local choir/group of people who sing and aren’t too hugely selective about who they allow to join, and I will take my little sister with me because she used to sing too, and we will join one of said groups, and I will have one or two more hours of happiness and forgetting the world, each week.

3) Exorcise some demons.

– In particular, the ones that make me freak out on certain people in certain situations.

(Ahem).

(No idea how this can be done, but I’m fed up of ‘can’t’. Can’t is not Okay; even if it’s ok with you, it’s not ok with me. I need to start being capable of stuff generally, and I plan to start with the little things and work my way up. Ahem).

4) Make more effort with friends, old and new.

– Although actually… To be brutally honest, there are only a handful of people I genuinely give a damn about nowadays, and this is how it’s always been. I’m not a very sociable being, I don’t really need many friends. I’ll chat with just about anyone if that’s what they want from me, but as far as real, proper friends are concerned I only need a few. I do think I need to make more effort with my favourite few though, because they make me happy.

5) Make music.

– Play piano plenty, and get better at it. Obtain the appropriate software and compose all the things I would have already written if I’d only had the software to do so before now. Play my cornet more, and get back to where I used to be, skill-wise, with that. Then play at least one solo with the band, for old times’ sake and for that whole feeling-like-I’ve-achieved-something thing. Little things.

6) Enrol onto at least one course of some description. Learn some new stuff and/or do some of the things I always kind of wanted to do, where possible. e.g. illustration, photography, sewing, cake decorating… Create (Because that itch is far too rarely scratched, and I’ve gotten decidedly rusty).

7) Read more. Because, like singing, it takes me away. Away is never ever bad.

8) Write more. For the same reasons.

9) Be happier. Any way, any how; spend more time smiling and less time crying. Go swimming regularly – and not alone – because exercise helps and swimming is quite escape-y.

10) Marry Adam Levine… 

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Poke me in June and see how I’m doing with these, yeah?

Vacant fish;

#

~xx~


สิบเก้า

 

Five Items You Lust After. 

 

1.

 

(that or any equivalent ‘proper camera’)

…and I can’t think of any others. So ^that times five.

*want*

~xx~


So Prosecute Me.

The sun was shining and I had nothing to do, so I got on my bike and rode it to the very outskirts of the village I call home, like I did almost every day in the Summer when I was a kid. (We used to make ‘ramps’ up and down the huge mounds of earth that marked the boundaries of the chalk quarry there. ‘We’ being me and my brothers and my elder brother’s friends. I preferred hanging out with them, because the times they were mean to me were vastly fewer than the times my female friends were mean to me, and I had one heck of a reckless streak – believe it or not).

Anyway, some kind soul has taken it upon themselves to define the aforementioned outskirts with a fence and a gate and a menacing sign, since the good old days;

One of the best bike rides involved continuing along that route, for a 5 or 6 mile round trip. I wonder how many more gates there are along that way now that everything has to belong to someone.

Anyway, I left my bike this side of the fence, climbed over and (*gasp*) trespassed.

Because over the other side of that field and those trees – on either side of the field, actually – are lakes. I crossed the field,

(with much trepidation, given that I will never forget the time when walking through long cut grass like that led to being chased a long way by angry wasps, after the dog stuck his nose in their nest… who knew wasps could nest in the ground?)

and came to this;

And then I sat somewhere and watched things happen for a while. Birds, like these;

And some other stuff, like these fellas;

And the big fat fish that it was impossible to get a photo of. And then I stole this flower;

…and wore it in my hair for a little while, before feeling bad for stealing, and deciding not to keep it…

Then I wandered around aimlessly for a while longer before making my way back home;

And that is how I did nothing useful today. And smiled a bit.

And was reminded of how where I come from may be the asscrack of the universe in some ways, but in others it ain’t so bad really.

~xx~


(Almost) Silent Sunday.

Forgive me; I was only seventeen. (But my love was for real).

~xx~

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