Tag Archives: random

And If You Listen

You Can Hear Me Through The Radio,

In That Bright White Noise…

(Because there’s just something so pleasing about that line, and this song makes me want to dance even when I feel most worn out, unhappy and inhibited  – and so least capable – of doing so).

~xx~

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átján

 

A Problem That You Have Had. 

First of all, let it be known that I do not like this one.

But since I am awake and have the time to write something, I’ll rise to the challenge… sort of.

~

Size 8 jeans are a massive struggle for me to get into.

Size 10 jeans are usually too big, by a margin considerable enough for it to be impossible for me to ignore and get over their too-big-ness.

Belts, even the ‘small’ ones, do not  fit me properly; There’s always too much left over, which just looks stupid.

I could eat The World and not put on more than maybe a couple of pounds.

.

My hair grows all wrong, so that there does not exist a style which it will do properly – or a way for it to look remotely attractive. Even when I was little, it wouldn’t do plaits or pigtails or even a simple ponytail properly. I think this is why I decided at some point not to even bother trying to be a proper girl.

.

I had a tendency, through school, to develop undying crushes on guys whom I not only would pretty much never speak to, but whom none of my friends could even vaguely understand my obsessions with.  Silent, Secret Agony.

.

I have no boobies. I would really prefer to have some of those. (I’m not stupid enough to even contemplate getting fake ones, don’t worry). I feel like a lot of years of my life would have been a lot less silently secretly agonizing if I’d just grown a pair of those at some point. (This fact probably played into at least one of the above, too).

.

My list of first world problems probably goes on and on, but I am tired and my brain isn’t working properly.

So, um.

Boobies:

 

 

~xx~

 

 


十六,十七

Something you always think ‘what if’ about. 

Something you are proud of. 

~

The what if thing is really easy.

When I was little I always said I was going to be a vet when I grew up. This ambition was very simply premised on the fact that I adored animals, and found all of them fascinating without exception. I also liked how they never required me to be polite and come out from behind the sofa to say things to people; things like ‘Hello’, and whatever the appropriate answers might be to the questions *insert relative’s name here* might care to ask me by way of small talk.

Anyway, the point is that I lacked confidence. Everyone who tried to instil it in me over the years must ultimately have failed, because I still lack confidence. Painfully. While such character flaws are mostly acceptable in doe-eyed, cherub-blonde four-year-olds, they are a little less forgivable in  tired-eyed twenty-one-year-olds (with hair of god-knows-what-colour).

But up until the point where it started to matter, I aced everything I needed to ace in order to keep my early ambitions a possibility.  Then for some reason I lost all faith in my ability to continue my education in the sciences, and chose to study English, History, Classics and Philosophy to A Level. Which in turn killed all potentially lucrative options when it came to possible University courses. Despite the fact that I went on to do well in all of those things and my eventual university degree, I now very much doubt that I will ever become a Veterinary Surgeon. I lament my decisions from time to time… vets make a lot of money; I’m sure that’s almost worth the horror of having to stick your hand up cows’ backsides every now and then. Having made the choices I did back then, and followed them up in the way that I have, I often wonder nowadays if I’ll ever be able to make money out of doing anything I vaguely enjoy. Not to mention the fact that the confidence has waned still further as a result; simply not being terrified of anything I might possibly decide to do seems like an unattainable Holy Grail nowadays. I’ve backed myself into a corner so that I pretty much can’t avoid living a lie, and I’m tearing my hair out in my efforts to figure out which lie would be best to go for.

~

Something I’m Proud Of.

Hmm.

My little sister loves me?

.

Here is a picture of a stumpy dog and its owner walking in the sea at Filey:

~xx~


Quindici

Your Zodiac/Horoscope and if it fits your personality. 

Ok. My zodiac sign is Virgo. So, according to my.horoscope.com that means all this;

Symbol: The Virgin.              Element: Earth

Group: Intellectual                Polarity: Negative

Favourable Colours: Brown, Green

Ruling Planet: Mercury     Cross/Quality: Mutable

House Ruled: Sixth              Opposite Sign: Pisces
Lucky Gem: Sardonyx        Period: Aug 23 – Sep 22
Personality:
With an acute attention to detail, the Virgo is the sign in the zodiac most dedicated to serving. Their deep sense of the humane leads them to caregiving like no other, while their methodical approach to life ensures that nothing is missed. The Virgo is often gentle and delicate, preferring to step back and analyze before moving ahead.
Strengths:
Practical, loyal, hardworking, analytical, kind.
Weaknesses:
Worry, shyness, overly critical of self and others, all work and no play.
Charismatic marks:
A certain, reserved manner marks the classic Virgo. Virgos are generally medium to slight in build.
Likes:
Cleanliness, animals, healthy foods, books, nature.
Dislikes:
Taking center stage, rudeness, asking for help.
Best environment:
Virgo is most at home in the company of animals and close to nature. Virgo likes power and enjoys being the sidekick or indispensable assistant.

~

How accurate is that? If you know me well, you’ll probably have decided that for yourself. For the rest of you…

  • Lately I’ve cried a lot of tears over the way that intellect is just about all I have (and I don’t even have a remarkable amount of that). No matter how many times I tell people people that I’m a people person, I am just not a people person.
  • You have seen how my outlook on life is usually dominated by negativity…
  • I like to wear green, and I think it suits me. Not so much brown, mainly because I often like to wear black, and brown and black don’t go.
  • Mutable? That means changing and changing and changing. I’ve done a lot of that, but am still daily frustrated by how little I’ve changed. (I know, just try making sense of that…)
  • I like the word ‘sardonyx’. Apparently this is what one of those looks like:

(I have never been a fan of orange and don’t tend to wear it, but I do think that stone is quite pretty).

  • I do tend to step back and analyze, to the point of near-death, before moving ahead. It is killing me slowly right about now. Attention to detail – have you heard me talk about the appropriate use of grammar? ;) Not so sure about serving, gentle, delicate or caregiving though. I often worry I’m far too selfish and careless to ever hold on to anyone or anything good for any length of time (or to even want to, for that matter).
  • The worry and the shyness and the over critical are bang on. They have been holding me back since the day I was born, and I have known it since the day after (yet apparently not been able to change all that much). I’m not so sure about over critical of others, though; I am stupidly forgiving, to the point of accepting blame for other people’s f*ck-ups from time to time.
  • Reserved; Yes. In real life, anyway. I’m a little different in writing…
  • Medium to slight in build? Skinny biatch right here; would be glad to gain a few pounds in the name of a more feminine figure.
  • I like all of the ‘likes’ listed up there. But I also love junk food…
  • I love taking centre stage when I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I’m going to wow my audience. To this day that has only happened once, but I long for the day it might happen again.
  • Who doesn’t dislike rudeness???
  • I think I’m pretty balanced when it comes to asking for help; I rarely need it, but when I do I ask and I massively appreciate.
  • I like animals, I like nature. Give me green space over the city any day, but that might just be because of where I come from.
  • Power. Hmmm… As with the centre stage thing, I enjoy power as much as anyone else, so long as I know I’m getting it right. The thought of being the indispensable sidekick makes me grin like an idiot, but at the same time I’d hate to be underestimated…

~

Unfortunately, accurate or not, I think the stars have very little to do with my personality. I prefer to think I get most of it from my mama, a little from my daddy, and the rest from everyone else who ever played a major part in my life.

(This blog post has been therapeutic. I had just about convinced myself, yet again, that there is no place in this world for the likes of me. But every story needs its tortoise as well as its hare, right?)

~xx~


Décimo Segundo Dia e Décimo Terceiro Dia

I missed two days.

On Friday I was sleeping then working then absolutely shattered from the working and the cold that seems to have really got me at the moment. (That’s probably my fault for verbally bashing people who are overly dramatic when they catch a cold. Oops).

On Saturday I got up really early to drive a few friends down to Alton Towers  theme park, where we spent the day getting thrown around and screaming like girls. Which was a huge amount of fun, but of course did not help my situation where not-being-able-to-speak is concerned.

[I’ll just add here that unfortunately there would seem to be little the UK’s theme parks could throw at me that will thrill me now. While I still get a tiny bit nervous in the queue for Oblivion, as one friend pointed out; “Steph, you jumped out of a plane…”]

So here’s what I was supposed to write about on Friday;

Five Guys Whom You Find Attractive. 

This is another one of those things I’m cagey about sharing, because I will be judged. Well, here goes…

Here are five celebrity guys I’ve had crushes on in the past (Only mildly though, might I add; I always saved my proper crushes for real people).

1. Orlando Bloom. Won my favour as Will Turner in the first Pirates of the Caribbean film. Can’t decide whether I prefer him polished or  casual, so have both;

      

(I want to steal his watch)

2. Alex Pettyfer. Caught my eye as Alex Rider in Stormbreaker. Much more age-appropriate, considering we’re still talking about me aged around 13, at this point.

3. Josh Holloway. As ‘Sawyer’ in Lost. Nobody ever was jealouser of Evangeline Lilly and her freckles. ;)

[But this one was far, far too old for me].

Harder to explain. I think it was as much the bad boy persona of the character as anything else…

5.  Jared Leto. In 30 Seconds to Mars, (a band I could never really pretend to be into for any other reason than his prettiness).

Particularly in the video for ‘The Kill’, where he’s screaming (THIS IS WHO I REALLY AM) at himself.

(I know that’s only 4. I hoped you wouldn’t notice… I guess I just prefer crushing on real people from real life, ok?)

~

As for Décimo Terceiro Dia, Your Opinion About Your Body and How Comfortable You Are With It, well that really depends on the time of day, day of the week, week of the month, month of the year. Some days there are parts of my body that I like. Some days there are different parts of it that I like. Other days I hate it all. Currently I am slightly annoyed at it for succumbing to minor illness (the aforementioned cold) for such a long time. I want my voice back. Don’t think there’s much more I can say to that right now.

~xx~


Zehnten Tag

Put Your Music Player On Shuffle and Write The First Ten Songs That Play. 

From my main Spotify Playlist (in need of some editing, it seems) entitled ‘Roar’.

~

1. I Didn’t Mean It – The Belle Brigade.

2. Show Me How To Live – Audioslave.

3. Substitution – Silversun Pickups.

4. Wash – Pearl Jam.

5. Discipline – Nine Inch Nails.

6. The Captain – Biffy Clyro.

7. Badman – Newton Faulkner.

8. The Walk – Imogen Heap.

9. So Happy I Could Die – Lady GaGa.

10. Thickfreakness – The Black Keys.

Bonus Tracks:

11. Fury – Muse.

12. Dance Yrself Clean – LCD Soundsystem.

13. You Are A Tourist – Death Cab For Cutie.

14. One Day Like This – Elbow (There are many different shades of Roar, y’know).

15. We Can Make The World Stop – The Glitch Mob (If I could choose a soundtrack for the more ass-kicking moments in my life, this would most definitely feature).

I hate hate hate telling people what I’m listening to. I could be World Champion of self-consciousness. Well – go ahead and judge me. And can I just say; all of the songs you haven’t heard of up there, look them up? Shuffle actually did quite well, I think. Interesting selection.

~

Anyway. More importantly than my loser taste in müsyk…

Today the lovely Mr. David Kanigan, of Lead.Learn.Live nominated me for an award…

The Inspiring Blog Award.

So I need to say a big thankyou to him. I would never ever consider my words to be inspiring at all, but I am very flattered that someone out there found something in one or more of my posts that resonated. It means a lot; cheers Dave. ; )

Next thing I’m meant to do after linking y’all to his page and putting the logo up there, is list seven facts about myself. I’ll leave that part out since I just gave you all that music^; that was kinda like telling you some stuff about me, if you listened. Then I have to nominate 5-10 other blogs, and tell them I’ve done so. If you want to accept and pass on the award, those are the rules.

1. Vincent Mars

2. Coco J. Ginger

3.  Pink 

4. Pride In Madness

5. Lesley Carter

6. Cherry Coley

The first two for inspiring me to write by doing so kind of beautifully themselves, and the rest for inspiring me more personally by being continuously supportive of my efforts on here.

In other news, there is a cat – normally a very antisocial little fella – resting his head against my leg and purring while he sleeps. ^-^

Lotsa Love,

~xx~


I continue to struggle for things to say;

Joey continues to be relaxed and photogenic.

*sigh*

~xx~


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