Resolutions*

*I don’t seem to have had much success thus far in my attempts to be resolute, in life. So don’t expect any of this stuff to stick. But that in itself is a resolution for me; I need to try harder.

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1)  Spend more time applying for graduate jobs.

– I won’t lie; since it became a good idea for me to start doing this – about a year ago – I have applied for definitely no more than 5 such positions. My heart is very simply not in it. But then I don’t think that over the past year my heart has really been in much that I’ve done. I’m beginning to think I may be dead inside like all the emo kids were, back when emo kids were a thing.

Still, that is not a valid excuse; I need a career. Or at the very least I need a job that will allow me to afford to move out of my parents’ house and start living my own life properly, before I lose my mind/become irrevocably convinced that I have failed at life… and throw myself off a cliff. I need the next stage of my life to start; I need my next bunch of friends, my next not-quite-home, my next dose of terror and ignorance and challenge and sink-or-swim. The problem lies within my reluctance to make a giant leap for just about any graduate job; I want to be vaguely able to believe that I might be able to like the new life that that leap would represent for me. If not immediately (because the fear will ruin everything for the first couple of months, this I can be sure of) then at least after a reasonable amount of time.

2) Join a choir (or similar), and SING, ‘TIL MY LUNGS GIVE OUT.

– I always sang at school. And it was one of my favourite things, looking back, about that time. Singing duets and being one half of the Chamber Choir alto section made me feel… kinda special. (Good special). And I was good at it, too. I have the certificates to prove that. And then for some reason I lost that ability/lost all faith in any of my abilities. And then I never dared to sing in front of another living soul, and never really got the chance to sing to myself in the absence of other living souls, and so currently have no idea how well I could sing if I tried – really, properly tried – right now.

In the new year I will find at least one local choir/group of people who sing and aren’t too hugely selective about who they allow to join, and I will take my little sister with me because she used to sing too, and we will join one of said groups, and I will have one or two more hours of happiness and forgetting the world, each week.

3) Exorcise some demons.

– In particular, the ones that make me freak out on certain people in certain situations.

(Ahem).

(No idea how this can be done, but I’m fed up of ‘can’t’. Can’t is not Okay; even if it’s ok with you, it’s not ok with me. I need to start being capable of stuff generally, and I plan to start with the little things and work my way up. Ahem).

4) Make more effort with friends, old and new.

– Although actually… To be brutally honest, there are only a handful of people I genuinely give a damn about nowadays, and this is how it’s always been. I’m not a very sociable being, I don’t really need many friends. I’ll chat with just about anyone if that’s what they want from me, but as far as real, proper friends are concerned I only need a few. I do think I need to make more effort with my favourite few though, because they make me happy.

5) Make music.

– Play piano plenty, and get better at it. Obtain the appropriate software and compose all the things I would have already written if I’d only had the software to do so before now. Play my cornet more, and get back to where I used to be, skill-wise, with that. Then play at least one solo with the band, for old times’ sake and for that whole feeling-like-I’ve-achieved-something thing. Little things.

6) Enrol onto at least one course of some description. Learn some new stuff and/or do some of the things I always kind of wanted to do, where possible. e.g. illustration, photography, sewing, cake decorating… Create (Because that itch is far too rarely scratched, and I’ve gotten decidedly rusty).

7) Read more. Because, like singing, it takes me away. Away is never ever bad.

8) Write more. For the same reasons.

9) Be happier. Any way, any how; spend more time smiling and less time crying. Go swimming regularly – and not alone – because exercise helps and swimming is quite escape-y.

10) Marry Adam Levine… 

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Poke me in June and see how I’m doing with these, yeah?

Vacant fish;

~xx~

Birds Flyin’ High,

You Know How I Feel ~

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So today I spent most of my time feeling much better than I have done for a while.  : )

Mostly for no particular reason, but here are a few of the things that have happened today to make me smile;

– I ran just over 3km in 17 minutes, with my younger brother. I have no idea whether that’s anything close to an achievement more generally, but it was my first time running in at least 4 weeks. We also have big plans; Half marathon distance (without walking any) will be achievable in six weeks’ time. Hopefully having D as a running buddy will help me to not give up this time.

– My little cousin said something really cute. After I’d chased her around the house and found her hiding on the stairs, I told her I liked her hair clips; she told me she’d got them for her birthday, proudly declared herself to be seven now, and asked me how I old I was. When I told her (21-and-a-half days ’til I turn 21), she said

‘that’s really, REALLY old!’

It’s ok, I know she meant it in a nice way. :3

– I wrote something for moonproject.co.uk, which hopefully will go on there tomorrow. *fingers crossed*

I’m not sure if anyone will really sympathise with what I was saying there, but even if they don’t publish it/everyone bashes me for it, it made me feel better to have typed it all out.

– I acquired a little black dress (like I didn’t already have enough of those, but… gift horses in the mouth and all that, right?) which pleasantly resembles the one I wore for my 19th birthday celebrations. Let’s just say I felt kinda sexy wearing the original, but it definitely couldn’t withstand the terrible ordeal I put it through that one and only time I wore it. (No, not in that way, Thank God. Definitely not in that way. Ha).

I’m ashamed to say I sank to the level of vain required for there to exist a photo of me wearing said new dress, but I don’t think I could ever quite bring myself down to the level of narcissistic whore required to put it on here.

Instead, here is a photo of a latte with bear-shaped froth (brought to my attention by a slightly lovely friend and which I think at least one other friend will appreciate if reading, too);

Loves,

~xx~